


What’s Better than the D(aniel Craig)?

by halfbloodwizard



Category: Historical RPF
Genre: James Bond References, M/M, a bunch of gays, i dont know either, this was for an exam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 23:34:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17089850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfbloodwizard/pseuds/halfbloodwizard
Summary: Commodus is sprawled out on the couch, clad in last night’s bedazzled tank top and short shorts. He is in the middle of taking a mirror selfie when he sees the Twitter notification: “JUST IN: Daniel Craig steps down as James Bond! Who will replace the seasoned actor?” Panic starts to bubble up Commodus’ chest.





	What’s Better than the D(aniel Craig)?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi so this was a real requirement for my Western history class where we had to write a dialogue with 3 historical figures we discussed in class with a chosen prompt hahaha so yes please don't take this too seriously

Commodus, Elagabalus, and Alexander’s apartment may seem plain at first; pasty white walls and gray curtains frame the small space. That is until you look closer: a big, white patent leather couch acts as the centerpiece of their small apartment; a makeup stained marble countertop that has seen more foundation being spilled on it than actual food product; and 3 pairs of tall, black red-bottom stiletto boots that would surely grab anyone’s attention.

Commodus is sprawled out on the couch, clad in last night’s bedazzled tank top and short shorts. He is in the middle of taking a mirror selfie when he sees the Twitter notification: _**“JUST IN: Daniel Craig steps down as James Bond! Who will replace the seasoned actor?”** _Panic starts to bubble up Commodus’ chest as he exclaims, “OMG! How will I secretly ogle during the movie now?!? My bros are going find out and whip me!”

“What’s all the ruckus about?”, Alexander yelled from the bathroom, his towel wrapped loosely around his waist. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a Skype call with Hephaestion?”

“I know, but this is IMPORTANT, Xander!” Commodus scrambles to where Alexander is, his phone outstretched from his arm.

“This better be worth it.” Alexander grumbles as he grabs the phone from Commodus. His eyes shift from annoyance to fear. “Shit, we really are in trouble -- Hephaestion, babe, I’ll call you back.”

“How do we tell Ellie? Wasn’t Daniel Craig his sexual awakening?” Commodus says, pacing back and forth.

“Soon. It’s what my inner voice is telling me to do. Trust me, Commodus,” A sigh escapes his lips. A long while passes before Alexander looks at Commodus and they slowly walk to Elagabalus’ room. They were about to knock on his door when it violently swings open and a clearly distressed (he didn't even put on some makeup!) and naked Elagabalus appears.

“Did you guys hear?!? Daniel Craig just stepped down from being James Bond! Who will my boyfriend and I dedicate our passionate strolls on the beach buck naked now?!?”, Elagabalus is seizing his hair by the roots. As he stomps over to the couch, Alexander and Commodus follow suit and sit on either side of Elagabalus.

“This is upsetting news to us all, but my gut tells me that something good comes out of this. After all, we're pretty much gods among men...”, Alexander trails off.

“What good can possibly come out of this?!? My boyfriend and I have nothing to look forward to anymore!” Elagabalus exclaims as his hand threatens to scalp himself.

“...boyfriend… AHA! Got it, men! What if we force our boyfriends to fill in the position?” Commodus is giddy at the thought. The other two seem into the idea until Elagabalus realizes that Commodus doesn’t have a boyfriend.

“Coco, darling, you don’t have a boyfriend… Maybe Xander and I should do this on our  --”

“Nonsense! Haven’t I told y’all I met someone already?” Commodus’ face is lit is absolute glee. “I saw him outside the gym the other day. His name is Narcissus, and he has the biggest arms known to man! He surely can’t resist someone as godly as me!”

“Did you guys, you know, do anything shortly after?” Alexander asked, his suspicion about the situation getting stronger.

“Yeah! We went to his apartment, which had a hot tub, mind you, and took the most amazing bubble bath ever!” Commodus’ expression changes. “But something really weird happened. I said, ‘choke me, daddy’ out of pleasure and he did… but he started to literally choke me. This went on for quite a while until I forced myself out of his grip and said goodbye. I’m sure he was roleplaying though! What about your 'boys’?” Alexander and Elagabalus look at each other with horror. This wasn’t roleplaying, but they didn’t know how to tell Commodus.

“I think that Hephaestion fits the role perfectly. Not only are his muscles out-of-this-world, but he is a fierce fighter and a loyal partner. We’ve conquered many battles such as the lawsuit of Chaeronea, Gaugamela, Issus, and Granicus! He’s the best partner I could ever ask for, especially because he knows how to tame my pride when it gets the best of me.” Alexander glances at his phone because he can’t wait to tell Hephaestion about his plan.

“None of your loverboys are a match for Hierocles! He’s got legs for days, honey. Did I mention that he’s an equestrian? He rides his horse naked while I walk around naked while holding the special edition of Cher’s _The Very Best of Cher_ vinyl record during the mornings I stay at his house,” Elagabalus tries to pull up a picture but the other two swat his phone away.

“Shut up, Ellie! We need a man with brute strength!” Commodus exclaims.

“Of course not! A man with beauty AND brains should take on the role!” Alexander shouts as he stands on the countertop.

“An exhibitionist and a work of art should replace the man who made me realize I was gay!” Elagabalus passionately says.

“Hephaestion fits the role of James Bond and the sex appeal of Daniel Craig down to the last drop!”

“You’re wrong, Xander! Narcissus has what it takes to be the next Daniel Craig of the millennials!”

“Both of you are wrong! Hierocles is a man to watch out for! He can make men realize they’re gay, too!”

The three men cause a great ruckus that can be heard from the hallway of the next apartment complex. It seems like nothing could stop the quarreling of the three until the moment all of them get a notification from their phone that reads: **_“UPDATE: British Actor Idris Elba is slated to continue the role of James Bond."_ **

**Author's Note:**

> This one's for my friends hehe we love history students that are falling apart


End file.
